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I Can Forgive, But I Can’t Forget

Posted by Nikki on Thursday, April 26th, 2012 in Nikki's Stories | Comments (2)

That is a very popular phrase used in relationships when someone gets hurt. Whether you use this attitude toward your spouse, a family member, or even a really good friend, in my opinion, it’s one of the most damaging held positions you can maintain… Here we go.

In the beginning of my and Adams relationship, things happened that caused me to say that very thing. Of course what I meant was,

“I will say I forgive you, but I will throw it in your face every chance I get, and I will be waiting for the next time it happens.”

Which is exactly what I did.

He didn’t even have to do anything “wrong”. I would just accuse him because he was making me “feel” a certain way (which is IMPOSSIBLE; we control our own feelings). Regardless, I felt that feeling a lot. And by me throwing things in his face just pretty much affirmed what he was thinking.

Looking back, I think it was more of an encouragement for him; it was definitely a reason for him to be mad at me.

Usually, there are other issues, many in my case, that led up to the affair or affairs. Obviously the trust gets compromised and it takes quite a while to get it back, if at all. But there are issues lurking that cause someone to go outside their marriage. Those are either issues with themselves, or issues within the marriage that need to be addressed, ideally through discussion.

In January of 2007, Adam came to the house to try to reconcile.

It was 2 weeks before our divorce was supposed to be final. See, Adam HATES failing at something. For ME to divorce HIM left me with total control over that.

I LOVED it

Anyway, at that time I saw right through him. To be fair, his “good intentions” were there, but he always had good intentions. That’s why I stayed soooo long.

After watching him for 2 DAYS, I saw the BEHAVIOR was the same and I told him to leave.

In April of 2007, a second attempt was made.

By this time he had himself cleaned up. He looked like he had been off the drugs and he sounded good. But honestly, I didn’t see it coming and I knew that I didn’t want to get back with him.

I repeat, I did not want him back.

BUT…

He sat there in the chair and ADMITTED to what he had done.

He APOLOGIZED.

He CRIED.

This was a first, so it did grab my attention… for a second. At that point I did let him stay at the house, on the couch, and get time in with his kids.

But the biggest thing I saw over the next few months was HIM changing. His behavior was changing. He went above and beyond doing things to show me I could trust him.

The phone was a big issue. He changed his number and only gave it to certain people. When he talked on it we were always in the same room and he usually had it on speaker.

He ALWAYS left it out in the open which he NEVER used to do.

He smiled, he complimented, he was actively trying to get better and get better for US, not trying to follow advice of others, and, “be miserable and do it for the kids.”

It was like getting to know a completely different person. Which it was, I guess. And I did not tell him to do ANY of it. It was his decision.

But there is a difference between true forgiveness and the mental attitude of “I can forgive but not forget.” I am very realistic and completely understand that we can’t just wipe memories from our brain.

I know I truly forgave Adam for what he did. And believe me, I have not forgotten. But what I use those memories for is to tell stories and give examples to help others.

There is not one ounce of spite or disgust for him when I talk with someone about our past.

It is just that… our past. And I can honestly say (and he would back me up) that since we have been back together, I have NEVER thrown anything up in his face or ACCUSED him of his old ways.

I am not saying this to brag, but it was a decision I made. I was not going to live like that again, always waiting for that other shoe to drop and trying to catch him in something else. If something was going to happen it was going to happen and I had no ties to him (at the point he came back). And truly, I didn’t care. I don’t mean to sound harsh. I just mean, emotionally, I had moved on.

It’s not easy to forgive someone when you have been hurt by them. But it NEEDS to be done in order to repair and heal. I’m not just talking about the relationship. I mean for YOU to be healthy, sane, and functioning again. Believe me, not forgiving hurts you far more than the other person.

Jesus is the perfect example for us when it comes to forgiveness. That is where I got my strength from and my ability to forgive him in that way. When we forgive others as Christ forgives us, it makes it so much easier and our heart is softened.

To show grace and not resentment is the key. We are so quick to be offended. I know of people in my own family that choose to live a life of bitterness and grudge-holding. It is SO DESTRUCTIVE.

To truly forgive does not mean that you need to be their best friend or even continue in a relationship with them. Honestly, the decision not to forgive will affect you the most. There is a greater chance that you will carry that mistrust, anger, and bitterness with you to the next relationship, and the next, and the next.

You will not be able to form a serious relationship of value because in your eyes “they are all the same.” You with me ladies? ;)

Behavior will happen that will remind you of your old relationship and you will start accusing him or her of the things that were done to you in the past.

So, you can accept the reality and move forward, through forgiveness, or you can keep going the route most go and live with all that poison inside.

The choice is truly yours.

Dark Times…

Posted by Nikki on Wednesday, April 25th, 2012 in Nikki's Stories | Comments (4)

Dark times is how I remember them…

It was a hot, humid day in August in 2006. I awoke with a pit in my stomach as usual. And it was not because I was 8 months pregnant, though I wished it was. I had not gotten much sleep the night before because I was up all night going over the phone bill with a fine-tooth comb and looking up numbers I did not recognize.

Adam and I were separated; Gavin (our oldest) and I were living with my pregnant sister and her husband. We were sharing a 9×9 room on a queen bed. It wasn’t the most ideal situation but to be away from the stress was far more important.

Many people asked me why I left with Gavin and not the other way around. Well, first of all, I didn’t want to give Adam a reason to run into the arms of his girlfriend that he denied having. Second, I honestly I did not want to be at the house alone. I honestly would have stayed if it were just the affairs. Yes, there was much more.

Let’s back up a few months…

The turning point was coming home from one of my OB visits and finding him locked in the bathroom when he should have been sleeping. He had worked the night before and didn’t want me to leave Gavin because he was “too tired”. So we went to the appointment and were only gone for 30 minutes. Gavin really had to go potty. You know as well as I do that a 3 year old cannot really hold it that well. He knocked at the door and begged Adam to get out so he could go potty. After what seemed like forever, Adam opened the door and went to the other room. I walked Gav into the bathroom to give him a hand, only to find a paper bag containing viles of morphine, a tourniquet, gauze and a needle. I picked up the bag that was bulging from the bottom of the shower curtain, only to poke myself with a needle. I was FURIOUS.

That is when I decided I would not put my children in harm’s way because of Adams wreckless behavior. That was at the end of March. I didn’t move out until June. I was promised that the drugs would no longer be at the house. I searched every day. It was finally agreed that I should leave. Adam had convinced me that we would have more of a chance to work things out that way. Later I had realized it was his way of having more freedom to do what he pleased.

So this brings us back to that day in August.

I was in Cosmetology school and getting ready to pull an 8-hour day. All that kept running through my mind was whose numbers were on the phone bill and was Adam really staying at a friend’s house (male) so he could be closer to work for back to back shifts? This is what I was told when he would not come home after work. He claimed it was easier for work and to be able to clear his head. I believed him because I wanted it to be true.

I went into school and just sat there. I was getting more anxious by the second. I had went into my instructor’s office to use her computer. I had brought the list of numbers with me. So, I started looking up addresses. I did find the one that belonged to his friend that he was “staying” with. And I also found another that I believed to be the girlfriend’s. I took those and left.

When I got in the car I called my mom and told her what I had found. She knew everything that was going on up until this point. I had planned on going to both places to find him. I knew he was lying but I had to prove it. She was getting ready to go to lunch and it just so happened that her bosses were out of town that day. She offered to go with me.

The first stop was not a close one. And this was before I had Tom Tom or GPS on my Smartphone. So I had done a Map Quest print out of both. We arrived in the parking lot of an apartment complex where he said he was staying. And to my “surprise” his car was nowhere in sight. I was very upset to say the least. But at that point I had run into a problem. I had the address to the girlfriend’s house and the directions but not from where I was… So I called my best friend Kylee.

I gave her the number and she gave me the directions I needed to get out of there. I then gave her my log in for Verizon so she could go on my bill and look up another number. This one was not listed but I needed it. We then headed off for the other address.

We drove by that house and did not find his car there either. So my mom called the number and to our surprise it was her grandmother’s house. My mom pretended to be a mother of a girl they worked with and that she was throwing a surprise baby shower for her daughter so she needed “her” address so she could send out the invitation. It was not a success. The grandmother offered to take a phone number and leave a message. No thanks.

After 5 hours of driving and searching, I came up empty. At least as far as not being able to find his car was concerned. On the way home I had gotten a call back from his buddy that he said he was staying with. I had left him a voicemail when I was at his house to see if Adam was there. We talked for about 15 minutes and he told me exactly what I had thought. He was never there. He didn’t give me too many specifics because he worked with Adam and the one Adam was in a relationship with. But he did advise me to leave him and just let him go.

Come to find out months later, they were at the 2^nd house we drove by. Adam had often left his car at work and they drove together. Either way, I knew he was not at a buddy’s house. And I knew my gut was right.

My GUT was always right… 99% of the time Call it…woman’s intuition.

I learned a lot being in a difficult situation like this. Even if you are not the one destroying the marriage and betraying everyone you love, you still get judged and criticized for the decisions you make… or don’t make. When you start coming out about the situation it is very possible that you may lose friends because they don’t want the drama or because you are not doing what theywould do. If someone has not been through something similar they cannot understand. Period.

————————————–

Let’s look at this for a second and recap a little…

I lived with a great friend and her daughter while her husband was fighting in Iraq…we stayed for about a month.

I lived with my sister and her husband, who were 2 months behind me in their pregnancy and totally invaded their privacy. I was staying in the room that she was planning on making a nursery until a month before the birth!

My mom, who heard my venting on many occasions, watched Gavin so I could go to school, and went on a crazy man-hunt with me just so I could know the TRUTH.

I called my best friend and had her look on my phone bill for a number and give me directions to a house that I could stalk in order to find my husband!

These examples are just a few of MANY. The most importand part of all of this is that God perfectly placed the right people in my life at the right time. It was only after I was able to heal and let time pass that I realized His perfect plan. And it is just that, PERFECT. Even though it may seem a little “crazy” to act that way and become “obsessed” as I did with trying to find the truth; He allowed me to find it in Him. I am sure there are still some minor details that I don’t know, and honestly I don’t care to.

I Found Truth In Him

I always found my peace in my Lord and He was the one I could trust.

I did what I could for Adam in our marriage. It was time to let go and let him FALL, after all, they were his dark times too. At that time in my life I had never felt so surrounded by love. The support I received from friends and family was a huge part in me being able to keep my sanity. They will never know the extent to which I am forever grateful.

They never once judged the decisions I made. They may not have agreed with them but they supported me through them.

Those were the hands that the Lord put in place to carry me through. It is so important when someone is going through a similar situation that you love on them. Give them what they need and try to be there for support. DO NOT judge, do not criticize. I could have easily blamed God for what was going on and most people do. In many cases that is the deciding factor in who comes out alive.

You can choose to learn and grow or drown yourself in regret and self-blame. When we are going through a tough time, we often hear “God will never give you more than you can handle.” I like to believe that I am a strong woman. In a way it makes me fear for what He may give me to “handle.”

But I do know this… If I would have gone through this “situation” and would have chose to “drown” myself, we would not be where we are today. A major part of this is being able to help other people that may be going down a similar path. To God I give the glory because I could not have gotten through it without Him.

Even though I was able to forgive Adam, the very person who caused so much pain, he acknowledged his problems and chose to CHANGE. That, I believe, is more difficult than anything I could have ever done. And when that decision was made by him, the same people that were there to support me were there to support him. It was a little bumpy in the beginning (as some shared how they felt) but the bonds that are in place now are stronger than they have ever been in the history of all those relationships.

It is so amazing when you have gone through something that makes you question the very God you serve and ask, “WHY?” It is only after that you are able to see the purpose which He had. When people ask me how I was able to forgive Adam, I honestly don’t really know. But I do know this, Jesus forgave the very people who beat, tortured, and murdered Him and hung Him on that cross. My ability to forgive comes from Him and Him alone. You and I both have a perfect example to follow.

My heart truly breaks when I hear of marriages that are suffering or have ended under similar circumstances. It is a pain I would not wish on anyone. But I know that restoration, recovery & redemption are possible because I have LIVED them.

You don’t have to continue in dark times. There is HOPE for a happy ending. It will not be easy, nothing worth having ever is. But it is possible.

If you are not subscribed to the free emails, I strongly encourage you to do so, at least to get the eBook my husband has written…it just might change your life.